Survival is the Goal. Yes, Survival.
My trans* and queer beloveds, none of us are okay right now.
Today’s newsletter is the first of 20 essays (schedule tbd) expounding on my 20 Principles for the Fifth Apocalypse. Over the coming days I’ll also continue to send out summaries of the legal state of play, try to make sense of the slew of the anti-transgender executive orders issued this week, and set the revised national baseline for transgender folks. It’s a lot different than it was ten days ago. But for today, I digress from the law.
My trans* and queer beloveds, none of us are okay right now. The world is collapsing around our ears. But we can get through this, so long as we do it together.
Principle #1: Survival is the goal. Yes, survival.
I’m a white queer in a blue state, with a 30-year legal career, a 20-ish year clergy career, a solid job (?), savings, medical care, a home, a loving relationship, family, friends, health, retirement, a few dogs—really, honestly, more than I could have ever dreamt of having in this lifetime.
I also do not pass as cisgender or straight. My life story involves deep struggles to survive active alcoholism and the ravages of PTSD, anxiety, and depression—then emerging on the other side (continuously) stronger, and more myself. The instinct to survive, deep down, just has not let me give up on life, even on the worst of the worst days.
Some folks experience more than a little bit of wavering in that will to survive—even moreso these days as our people are under constant political attack. I feel you. I’ve been there. It’s been almost 25 years, and I still remember the feeling of checking myself in to a hospital because I knew knew that I wouldn’t make it through the night, otherwise. It was horrible. All of it.
If you are considering self-harm and need immediate help, contact any of the following organizations:
Trans LifeLine at (877) 565-8860 for hotline emotional support. For those who are able, you can set up a recurring donation to support their work. I do. You should consider it, too.
The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386 for immediate crisis support. Other methods of contact are also available (chat/text).
The 988 Lifeline at 988 for support for yourself, a friend, or a loved one in crisis. Chat and text also available.
My lifelong hypervigilance is much more subdued than it used to be--yet remains present and (occasionally) valuable. I am attuned to threats, real or imagined, more than most. The threats, this time, are very real. My amygdala (I call him “Mygs”) has had a lot to say this week.
My beloved queers, you are not wrong: they’re coming for us. Our medical care, our legal protections, our physical safety. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The way that we not only endure but goddammit beat those coming at us from all sides—the way we make things better for those behind us, the way we make things better for the ones we love the most—is to survive, to fucking thrive, exactly as we are. To not go away.
With every adverse action taken against us this week, I’ve made a small decision (sometimes even out loud) along the lines of “Welp, now I’m just going to get gayer”. Or queerer. Fill in the word that works for you. Reclaim that energy, that space that makes you exactly who you are.
When your heart and soul is ready, whether it’s all the time or just some of the time or thankyouverymuch not right now—take up ALL the space you can with your wondrousness. You are a possibility model for the ones who are watching. You feed their courage with your own.
You are a prism through which the light of the divine comes to this realm. You break it into a thousand colors and rearrange it in your own amazing way. You are being created and creating yourself in every moment. Good God, that freedom is everything. Revel in it.
Don’t dim that glittery shiny fabulous interior light of yours, you fabulous queerbo. If you need to put on a bit of a cover, or get yourself into a safe house, or even step back into the closet for a spell to survive…it’s okay.
We see you, and you are loved. Exactly as you are.
Whatever you do…please, please, survive.
And, if you’re in the Baltimore area, come join us in community on February 9, 2025, at Red Emma’s:
Build community. Be strategic. We’re all in this together.